Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Who Am I?

Someone forwarded a link to me of the, 10 Most Wanted Poster. As I read through each of the Who Am I, I realized that I have played the part of all the mentioned sometimes at the same time.

Over time I have learned what great actors and actresses we become in this addiction.

There are only two leading roles in this story. The one with the addiction and those who love them. There are no Academy awards to be given out to either side.

As hard as I have tried, I try not to let my mind wander back to the beginning of the story. Aren't we supposed to move forward from this? Isn't that what recovery is all about? Moving forward.

It is often hard staying focused on moving forward when there are days that take me back to the beginning with the constant reminders.

I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I live every day as in the movie, Groundhog Day. I am tired of the lies. I am tired of manipulations. I am exhausted.

I am tired of the same old fight over the trust issues. I am tired of showing just a little bit of trust and my addict uses that trust only to prove I was wrong trusting again.  It always ends up the same way. In the end, my addict proves it was all a lie.

The addict says I am not using while sitting beside you swearing on a stack of Bibles, yet doesn't prove otherwise with their life so out of control at the moment. It's always funny when the addict starts rolling up their sleeves to show you their arms when I already know the addict has hidden those marks in other places.

I realized that the pissed off at this addiction isn't mentioned on the poser. I started the 12 Steps in order to free myself only to get roped back in playing the parts of all of the above obsessing over the addict that I love while forgetting what the Twelve Steps taught me.

July 10th marked one year that we took our addict six hours away to a program in Huntington, WV. We took him on his first step to getting him there. The rest was up to him. 

pic belongs to: Reach Out Recovery 

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