The Insanity of Loving An Addict

Today is day nine of the A-Z Blog Challenge. Today is the day for the letter I. Today I have chosen to post about, The Insanity of Loving an Addict. This post was written and posted last year and titled Things I learned From My Addict: The Insanity of Loving Them. According to the stats, only two people have read it. I decided to revive it for the challenge.

It's been said that Insanity is...

"Doing the same thing over and over repetitively expecting a different result each time."

We who love them do this all of the time. From enabling them to trying to control them then we move on to try to fix them. The "help" we think we are providing does more harm than it does good. Nothing we do is

The Tangled Web of the Enabler

Today is the fifth day of the April Blogging Challenge. Today I have chosen the word Enabling (aka the co-dependent) this addiction as my word for the day. 

Trust me if you are on this side of this addition, you are here already. Some of you just don't know it yet. Others like me realized it a little too late. Many are still in denial.


Now to some of you, this word is not significant. To those of us who are greatly affected by this addiction, oh trust me you won't know how messed up life can get until you get caught up in this web.

Remember when I had to make that moral inventory of, WHO AM I while standing on Step Number Four?

No, It's okay! I don't live there anymore. The years in this addiction

We Need To Stop Making Excuses

As parents we get caught up in a world of addiction that none of us really fully understand.

Today is the day that we have to stop making all the excuses. 

Believe me. I know. As a parent it is hard to understand and it's hard to stop making excuses for our loved ones behavior.

As one parent to another it is time to stop the denial. 

Stop denying the mistakes that our kids make. They are called mistakes for a reason. As hard as it is as a parent we have to allow our kids to make them. Sometimes their mistakes lead to making bad choices.

The mess left will be their mess to clean up in the end. So be it. That is a life lesson.

How will they learn lessons? How will they grow from the mistakes they have made?

And YES, this also means even if they are using and abusing heroin or other drugs. Even if they have fallen into that bottomless pit.

We as parents have to allow them to hit that bottom. We have to allow them that fall. I know that is hard. They will never find their bottom as long as we parents are giving them the means to stay in their addiction.

Our kids will never be able to explain it nor why they ever tried heroin so we have to stop pressing them for that answer. Our kids will never be able to explain why they repeated mistakes even when they knew the hole they were digging was too big for them to ever climb out of.

They can never explain it, BUT we have to allow them to STOP making excuses. We as parents have to stop making excuses for their addictive behaviors. It starts with stopping the enabling. We cannot ever expect them to reach their bottom when we are throwing them the rope. We have to allow them to own it.

We have to allow that no one ever forced them to do anything they didn't want to do. Yes they were no doubt influenced. Yes they were probably manipulated into it, but in the end our kids said, YES!

Rather than making excuses for them, not blaming everyone including yourself, there comes a time that we have to make them (or allow them)... own it! We as parents have to show them that they are being held accountable.

They don't have to explain it, but they do have to learn from it!

Now, you might wonder why this is so important?

Holding our sons, daughters or loved one accountable is forcing them from the victim mentality of the disease and will allow them the challenge gaining victor mentality over their addiction.

It will put them back in control of their life.

Those in recovery should rise up to the challenge and be empowered. Know you are worth it! Being a victor in this disease will help them in their first steps of recovering from this disease.

We as the parents need to stop with the victim mentality and take control over our own lives. We as parents need to take on the victor mentality by realizing that our child can recover from this disease and be free of the disease of addiction. We have to allow this in order for recovery and healing for ourselves.


We as the parents are in control of your own lives but by realizing all of this we in fact are on the first step of healing ourselves.

© 2016 Gossip Girl

Let's Be Honest: The Do's and Don't of Dealing With an Active User

Let's be honest for a moment. Stop what you are doing, close your eyes, and think about your addict for a moment. Maybe you just found out that someone you love is using. If so, you are at the right place to find information. At the very top of this blog you will see a tab called, Treatment/ Recovery Assistance. Click on the link to

Things I Learned From An Addict: The Tangled Web of the Enabler

Today's post is about getting caught up and entangled in that black web as the enabler. Long before the signs of any drug abuse are out you are already there. You just don't realize it yet.  Even before you know you're there, you're trapped, your entangled.

That too isn't your fault. If you had known your child was using drugs would you have given money towards the abuse for your loved one to buy drugs?

Yes, you do- Sometimes. Even if after you know your child is using how hard is it for you to stop this destructive behavior? It is very hard to stop it after that. It's like a train running full speed towards a derailment.

I know as I type this that you are probably already there and don't really know how to get out of it. Neither did I.

Today's word for the day is

The Enabler:


That is me! Hello I AM I WAS the Enabler

I lived there for several years and I fell for it yet again.

You know just the word alone- ENABLER sounds so criminal, so suspect doesn't it?

Maybe that is because there was one time that I threatened to call the cops on my son because of something he stole from us and he told me,

"Go ahead call the cops because you're in as much trouble as I am."

Hmmm, how do you figure that?

"Well, who gave me the money to go buy it. You're my co-dependent and when I tell them you'll be arrested too. You are just as guilty because you have been funding me. Wait until I call the cops. Mommy, I thought you were smart. You are just so stupid."

Now all that seems pretty funny huh? It isn't when you're on my side of the table as the enabler. I believed it. I remembered what my mother told me about when you're helping someone break the law- you're just as guilty.

Now to be here in the shoes of not only the enabler, but he was now actually extorting money from me with this shit- because he convinced me that I would be arrested that is a horrible place to be. Trust me!!! And the worst is that I believed it.

If my husband has told you he is angry as he has in some settings. This is why he is. It is embarrassing so he may not give the full details about it but this is why. When I told the hubby the full details of the extortion he went through the roof- not literally.

We'll talk more about the Master Liar, Manipulator and Extortionist later on, but today is about enabling. Whatever you do don't fall for it!! But I know you are probably already there. If you are, get out of it now and you can!!!

If you don't know whether or not you are enabling -if you are giving them money for any reason- you are enabling especially if you know what that money is being used for.

If you are believing their lies I need $20 for gas.

I want to go look for a job
I have a job interview and need money to get to it.
I need some cigarettes
The baby needs diapers

If this is constant and daily and they are asking for $20, $40 or $60 then you've no doubt fallen into the pit of the enabler.

Before I realized that he was using heroin I was trapped. I think it was that I was first in denial. But was I really? What could I deny that I didn't know? I know it all sounds confusing. If you're on the side of loving an addict, it will make perfect sense. Their addiction alone is enough to drive you totally insane trying to figure everything out.

We who love them don't think the worst of those we love by thinking, I wonder if they are on drugs? Nope, our minds didn't even go there. What parent automatically assumes the worse? I know I didn't. Now a relapse. Trust me honey- you're there!!!

It was when the brick shit house crumbled that I had no other choices but to get out!

All of our savings= Wiped Out
A CD at the bank of a rolled over 401K from a previous job= Wiped Out

Then I was laid off from work= No extra money

By then I had no choice- either we could live about as destitute as our child- the heroin abuser

OR 
We Just Had To Say No... and mean it. And I did...
You are going to have to do this at some time so today should be the day. Someone once asked me, What would you do if you gave him money to go buy and that was the last time? What if he died from shooting up? What then? Knowing you gave him the money to shoot up that one last time?

The word No takes on new meaning now!!!

No more could I deny that he didn't have a problem. It was out there in flashing lights!

Just saying No sometimes isn't enough for some. You continue giving when there is nothing left to give. I know one lady who has been going without her meds because of going through this with her grandchild.

You Have To Say NO And No Means No


As the lady above living without her meds, I just told her family member this may fall under elder abuse because the lady is elderly.

My son is very lucky that I did not press charges of extortion on him. I should have when I learned differently.

He took me for a boat ride without the paddles and I fell for it. In the end, I called the police to turn myself in and they said that I had fallen into a dark pit of enabling my son's drug habits. That was not a crime.
I have to be careful with my child the user. My parents are up in their years and I have to make sure that he isn't dragging them into the pits because they live on a fixed income.

When he broke into their house- I was angry at him- so angry I wanted to beat his ass like he was ten years old- of course, the police tell me this would fall under domestic violence. I would never allow any of my kids to have that kind of power over me. I have to stay civil right now and at least for my son's two children.  They are very scared right now that their dad is doing the bad things that will get him into trouble. I'm stuck there- caring for someone I love addicted to heroin and opiates, someone who is sick in the head from addiction at the moment- and yet on the side of also wanting to protect my grandchildren who do not deserve any of this. It's so conflicting sometimes.

Part III: Dealing With the Master Liar, Manipulator and Extortionist.
© 2016 Gossip Girl