Not My Child...

Oh, I have been there in those shoes before. It was many years ago in 2005 to be exact. Oh no, not my child...

It took me awhile. My heart was telling me something wasn't right but I, of course, didn't listen to those gut feelings. I listened to others when I asked...
Friends and Siblings who knew but didn't want to hurt our feelings
The Spouse who told us no, but later learning she was an addict herself.

I was pulled into the tangled web of the enabler.

After blowing through a savings account and cashing out a CD Account when there wasn't anything left to give... it was they resorted to stealing our possessions.

Jewelry with sentimental value and a Christmas present stolen and pawned right out of the program the Grinch Who Stole Christmas- let me tell ya.
A Sony PlayStation left under the Christmas tree just one day vanished. Poof... it's location unknown.

CD's, DVD's, tools, and three vehicles. Yep

A truck that didn't run and needed some work. We were told I need to fix it up so I can get out and find a job and then get to work. We have no clue whatever happened to it.

An SUV- That vehicle was running and was for sale. It was parked at a family members house. He called and said he had a buyer for it. The so called buyer picked it up. Our son told us he had left the money with the family member, Oh No. Boy what a scam that was. We had the title to it and refused to give the title up. We could never locate the vehicle so we also do not ever know what happened to it.

A Car- This car I used for work. It blew a head gasket and was towed back to my driveway. My son called me at work and asked me for it. I told him I hadn't had a chance to clean it out and that I needed to talk to his dad first. When I got home from work, it was gone out of the driveway. I am clueless

Well, I was clueless back then. Since I've learned from another the car went to salvage and the truck and SUV were exchanged for drugs.

Just how the F do you do an exchange for drugs- the truck yep the hubby had given him the title but the SUV- we still have the title to it.

It took awhile. There were several years of some really tough love, a lot of interventions that went out the window... I honestly don't think they work.

Finally, the day comes when we had to admit it. Our son was a heroin addict.

This time we are already there and calling it what it is... Our son is a heroin addict. We learned a lot of lessons on our first ride through heroinville.

Each time however after the sky falls down and the bottom drops out... here we are once again left with the shell of a son that honestly we don't recognize him anymore.

© 2016 Gossip Girl. 

The Lazarus House

Today is Day twelve of the April A-Z Blogging Challenge and the day for the letter L. Today I have another special post about The Lazarus House. I recently spoke with Kevin Bowman who is the Director of The Newness of Life Lazarus House which opened here in Martinsburg, WV on April 1, 2017.

The Lazarus house is a men's only sober living house for men in Martinsburg struggling with addiction. Men who are tired of living that life and want to make a change.

This program here in Martinsburg and Kevin's presence is bringing HOPE to our community and reminds us that people do recover from this addiction. They recover and they go on to live and be successful people in our community.

This program, Kevin and Justin Ponton's program Newness of Life here is an answer to a lot of

There Are Two Sides Of The Addiction...

There is the side of the user and the addiction and then there is the side of the family and/or those that love someone addicted.

There are many well meaning people out there ready to give advice to me. But... We set on opposite sides of the addiction. They have on occasion told me that I use the wrong words.

I really don't know how some can really tell me how I should or should not be feeling at the moment  or tell me what I should say or not that has never set on my side of the addiction- that is loving an addict.

The same as you say I cannot say to the addicted that this is how you should be feeling or what you should be saying at the moment or these are the words you should be using.

When I'm mad as hell at something and then have someone who has never sat on this side of the addiction say that I shouldn't have said this or that... how would they really know?
They've never been on my side, as I have never been on their side. If they only knew what was in my head that I have to contain...

We live in opposite houses of the addiction.
We don't walk in each others shoes.

This is just my opinion of course!
© 2016 Gossip Girl

OOPS I Missed It Again...

Years ago Britney Spears sang a song, Oops I Did It Again. Today the song I sing to that same tune, OOPS I Missed it Again. I think our addict tried very hard but got lost in the game.

I tried so hard this time to stay connected with him. The biggest sign I ever got was the disconnect from the groups he was involved in. I asked him and he told me because someone I put him in contact with sent signals of confusion. I saw the messages. He let me read them. They were confusing

Take Off Those Rose Colored Glasses

I wanted so much for our son to get better from this addiction. Unfortunately, I once again was manipulated by the addict that I love. OR maybe I wanted it so much that I didn't see the whole
picture for what it really was. Who knows, maybe I was just too emotionally involved. I don't know anymore.

Whichever way it ended tragically. I believed our son the night we went took him to Huntington. When I spoke with him on the
phone that first week, I believed him because that is what everyone

Is There Even A Such Word As... Normal?

The other day I mentioned in a post that I just want to be a regular mom without words like addiction, heroin, or even speaking about living and dying. I have no idea if I am doing this right or wrong. Is there a wrong or right way to be the parent of an addict?

I have those who say, if your addict is mad at you then you are doing it right. Right now mine is still talking to me. I don't know. I tried calling him and it went to voice mail. Does that mean he is blocking me again?

To some reading, I know when you see some words in posts you are no doubt led to click the X at the top of the post to stop reading.

That is okay. I do not expect those who do not live this to even understand how we can talk pretty frank about words like living and dying. Unfortunately for us, it is something we think about daily when someone we love suffers this disease. This is something my family unit has been going through since roughly 2004/2005 which is the earliest we suspect our son had first started dabbling into the underworld of heroin. I wouldn't know what it is like to live daily without heroin and addiction. I wish for one day I could speak and the words would no longer be a part of my vocabulary.

This week he's talked very candidly about life and death. It is weird. A normal mom would probably lose her mind, to me, it is something I prepare for each and every day.

I do want to tell you as of today, we know he is struggling and the addiction is winning. I don't think it's too late, but the rest is up to him. He is an adult. I can only talk to him like that. I cannot make doctors appointments and force him to go to them.

Last June one doctor after a CT Scan mentioned the C- word to him. At that time he had several spots on his prostate indicative to cancer. His liver is also bleeding. He never went back for follow ups. He still has several health matters that he didn't get checked in the months since he came home. Another potential health matter has shown up in the form of a growing mass in his chest. The stress and worry have led him back to dark places inside his mind.

As of yesterday, I would say the voice of his addiction in his head is winning. His words to me, I can tell you he has chosen that if it is indeed cancer, then that is what it will be. He said he is comfortable knowing that he will die. He said he just doesn't care anymore.

We are just learning about the mass in his chest while others knew. I always wonder, why is it that not one person minds calling us, or contacting us while he's doing bad things brought on by the addiction and telling us, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR SON IS DOING? Yet others knew about a mass- a very big deal- and not one person called, texted or messaged us. WHY IS THAT?

So, that is where we are at. What about you? Are you still struggling with an addiction? Do you know someone struggling with an addiction to drugs? Do you know of someone who has found recovery?

© 2017 Gossip Girl

I Don't Think I Know How To Be An Addict's Mom Anymore

The other day I shared with you that I am part of a club. I am an addicts mom. Years ago I don't know if I could have openly said that. There is a lot of pain of living in the shadows of the disease of addiction. I have been an addicts mom for the past twelve years now. I have come to realize that

A Life Lost: Another Side of This Addiction

Most of the time here in Martinsburg and Berkeley County we hear of a life lost to overdose of heroin. When your loved one is actively using and abusing your loved ones life is in danger in more ways than you probably imagine. They often steal to get their next fix and could be shot entering a home or a property in which they are committing a crime.

Someone sent me this story months ago and I saved it. When Mr. James Boyd was trying to help the young lady a couple of months ago and she was talking about her life on the streets I thought of this young lady, Tina and how eerily similar the two ladies stories were except that Tina was never given the chance to tell her family she was ready for help because someone chose to take her life.

I then couldn't find it in the saved section. I recently found it and wanted to share it. Reading it tore me up that a life was lost in this town in such a horrible way. A beautiful person is gone from a more sinister, dark, ugly and evil side that we don't often hear about. I am talking about murder.

This was written by this young woman's family member in the hopes of reaching out to those

I Am Still An Angry Addicts Mother

I know my son and our family has been through hell and back-

I am still the angry addicts mom.

I know my son went to a recovery program

I am still the angry addicts mom.

I know my son isn't using today.

I am still the angry addicts mother.

Many families are not so lucky to make it out of this addiction alive. I am so blessed to say all of the above.

But, I am still an angry addicts mother.

When I hear that an official said my son looks like his dad, but acts just like me-

What exactly does that mean?

When I hear an official who has heard our story and watched me cry has propositioned my addict son to make some controlled buys on the streets. Thankfully my son is strong enough in his recovery to tell them, No Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (as well as some other words)

I go from angry to a pissed off addicts mother!

Today

Today is October 1st already. I sat yesterday looking out the window at the cold rain falling and wondering, just where did September go?

It feels we have went from the hot days of summer over to fall in just about a day. I love the fall- cooler temps, the colors of fall even the smells of fall- but the cooler temperature is reminding me of the coming season.

I know as the temperatures get colder there won't be as many events and that is okay.

Just for today I am happy. I am happy that I have less stress than yesterday. I am happy that I can see my son growing stronger and stronger each day as he rebuilds that foundation of healthier living away from addiction.

It is a great feeling.

Today, my son isn't using.

Today, he is the man that we always knew he could be.

Today, is another day of hope and love!

Today although it is cool and rain showers are around I feel truly blessed, if it is only just for today!

Dear Drug Dealer

Many of you probably won't understand this post. I am beyond pissed right now. Our son had to come back to take care of some legal matters pending.

The minute he stepped into Martinsburg he was spotted by the ghosts of his past who know that he went away to get help, but that doesn't stop them now does it?

Fortunately he doesn't want that life anymore. He is loving the new life he has. He called us right

Taking The Steps To Heal

Many may not realize but when your life and family has been consumed by addiction we too have to heal. I had truly thought by now I would be able to cross this step- Step Four- off of my list. You know that one. Making a moral inventory of ourselves and our life.
The past month has been one crazy ride on the addiction

An Update: An Overdose and Recovery Story

In April of this year I decided to let the skeletons out of the closet and come out without fear to talk about our son who at that time was actively using. Hiding in society's stigma was helping no one least of all our son.

Truly a moment of Newness of Life

His drugs of choice we thought was heroin and opioids, percs, oxy, methadone, suboxone and also Xanax. Whatever he could find on the street  cheap and easy to self medicate he was abusing.

Boy have we learned a lot just in the past five months. His addiction turned to what could have been a more deadlier side.

He was tired of living in the addiction. He had forgotten the steps to take to turn his life back around and

A Short Disconnect

We went away again this weekend to take a short disconnect break from reality. I left my camera set on the table this trip. I didn't realize the camera had been forgotten until I wanted to take some pictures.

We had planned several camping trips this year. Life just doesn't always cooperate the way we want it. The first trip was to be Memorial Day Weekend. It rained all weekend so we decided not to go this year in May. We thought we could squeeze a weekend in

An Update: That Which I Cannot Control

In April as our sons addiction spiraled way out of control we realized we could not hide in shame anymore. So many factors came into light. That would also be the last time we would be allowed to visit with two of our grandsons.

I will remember that Sunday for a very long time. Their crying and begging us to please save their dad because they were afraid he was going to die is just something you cannot put aside in your mind.

We needed help.

We needed to surround ourselves with those who were here,

Update: Learning Curves

Many times throughout all of these years of loving a child struggling with heroin addiction I have begged God in prayers, 'Why Us?' Hoping the answer would just fall from the sky.

A month ago when we took our son Kyle to Huntington, WV we learned that there is a possibility that he has cancer.

We tried hard to keep this from my parents but so many know it

It's No Wonder We Keep Addiction a Secret

Someone shared a very interesting article yesterday on Facebook, Keeping The Addiction A Secret
especially from family.

As the mother of a son who is in recovery the secrets of the addiction start with denial. We at first deny because we really don't know what to call it. Then the day comes that no more can we deny. It's out there in living color and we have to call it by name... heroin addiction.

Even then, denial grips us.We don't want others thinking negative

A Battle Rages On

When our son chose to go to Huntington a few weeks ago we knew that even this was not a magical quick fix for healing. We knew the road was going to be long. We knew that this road to recovery would be full of ups and downs while he battled the demons of addiction.

I try to protect my kids from what others in this family say or

The Battle Inside Me Rages On

I am currently at a crossroads. At times it has felt like a spiritual warfare. I was raised and grew up in church. While still believing that yes I am a Christian because of a commitment I made years ago it feels as if a battle is raising up around me inside of me.

We haven't been to church in awhile. We've found many that keeps the stigma of addiction at an all time high- Blaming, ridiculing, judging, unforgiving yet we cannot find one that accepts the lost, the

On Their Own

When I say addiction has pummeled my family and left the battle scars to prove it, I do not exaggerate. I often set and wonder about the generation of my kids. These are commonly referred to as, the Gen Y kids.

I know that many including those in my own family argue about drug addiction being a disease. There is so much scientific