The Battle Inside Me Rages On

I am currently at a crossroads. At times it has felt like a spiritual warfare. I was raised and grew up in church. While still believing that yes I am a Christian because of a commitment I made years ago it feels as if a battle is raising up around me inside of me.

We haven't been to church in awhile. We've found many that keeps the stigma of addiction at an all time high- Blaming, ridiculing, judging, unforgiving yet we cannot find one that accepts the lost, the
prodigal, the sick and yes those of us who are the families affected by the disease of drug addiction.

I am not judging Churches at all so please don't think that. They do preach about Hell, Fire and Brimstone. Those attending are afraid of going to Hell, so they go listen to the 'word of God' and hear about what He says about the life we should lead here on earth and to save those souls who are lost.

Once they leave the doors it feels as if the blame, ridicule and judging continues. They honestly do not accept the lost, the prodigal, the sick and the families affected by the disease of addiction. They want to save my soul, yet seem to not see they too need healing.

There is so much talk about the fear of going to hell but fail to lead those who have already been there on a spiritual path.

Many months ago I sat in my kitchen one morning with the Bible open on the table open to some verses in Isaiah (41:10) and said, Lord you know what we are facing. You know we are only human. Only you can help us. You have to show me the way.

In those months I've met others who have a strong faith in God and believe that through prayer and a commitment in Him will we get through. That our loved ones will be healed from addiction.

We've also found many close to our family ready to preach many things to us, yet unwilling to forgive.

In the meantime there is a battle going on right now in my family and inside of me. This battle is so strong right now that it has divided me. I didn't want to believe it, but it became obvious over the past week. I didn't want it to happen like that but I have to step back and away.

I knew this road would not be easy, but I didn't expect that the strong Christian people very close to me and around me would turn out to really show Hate towards my family in this addiction.

I know they don't understand all of this. I never expected them to, but as the Christians they say they are I did expect them to love us, our family and especially our children suffering the disease of addiction. It's funny the Bible tells us to love one another and the same people close to me that have preached that to me my entire life has suddenly turned into hate filled people.

There is no telling, explaining or convincing  them that we can hate the drugs and what these drugs have done to our loved ones but the Bible says we are to love including those who are addicted to drugs and pray for them.

The things they told me my entire life, they are failing to practice what they preach. I set back watching this around me and I am right now at the place where I am about ready to walk away from people including those who say they love us. Including those who are family.

Those who judge harshly, those who do not practice what they preach to others. Those who cannot accept the sickness of drug addiction. Those who ridicule while preaching that God loves everyone. Those who talk behind our backs while preaching the word of God to our faces.

I have to step back and away so that I do not continue on the judgement bandwagon. We are all human. None of us are perfect and those very close to me are trying to wear the shoes of the Perfect. I do forgive those whom I feel have wronged us in our family. I pray for them. At the same time it causes me to question what I have been told my entire life.

We hear the hatred from those who do not know us. It is entirely different to experience it by those who say they love us.

We are starting to surround ourselves with those who accept us and do not judge us. Those who understand we are on the side of the lost, sick souls who suffer from addiction.

Those who understand because they too are facing the same battles as we are. Sometimes they even make us laugh again.

We are replacing bad times with good times. We are forgetting that our loved one relapsed and forgive and to focus on the good in them. We know we have seen it before in their lives.

I love those who treat us good. I pray for those who don't.
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