Giving It All Up To A Higher Power Let It Go and Let God!

On a day in late June (the 28th as a matter of fact) after meditating and doing my daily devotions I I was setting at my table watching the candles I was burning, a nice lavender candle and a lemongrass candle I had made. I watched the flames as they danced and just breathing in the calming oils I had put together. I remember just out of the blue I said aloud, God I need a little down time here. Just a little time to breathe is all that I need. I'm going to step back for a few moments
and I'm going to give you the wheel for just a while.

Just like that. I don't know what made me think it much less say it, but there I was just allowing a little more release of the stress and tension that has consumed my life. Who knew in just a small sentence that it meant that I was letting go and letting God take control of this situation? Of our son? Of this disease of addiction? Shoo I didn't

Each day after I woke up I said the same thing, and before bedtime I thanked God for taking care of the day. Soon the days seemed to start getting just a little better and brighter. I could honestly feel peace and serenity. I could finally breathe again. For once in a long time I wasn't speaking words of heroin and addiction each and everyday. It felt great.

Honestly, I have cried so much the past seven months it is amazing I can even cry at all. I would think by now the tears would have dried up. It's amazing that each and every day my eyes aren't swollen shut from the tears.

I am reminded of a Psalm, our tears and especially the tears of a mother (Psalm 56:8) You have collected all of my tears in a bottle. You keep track of all of my sorrows. You have recorded each one in Your book.

On Saturday the ninth (July) we were in Wardensville, WV fishing at a lake.

Who knew that tomorrow was going to be the day. The day that our son was either going to fight to live, or he was going to make the choice to end his addiction. He was tired of the fight and the hold that heroin had on his life.

Saturday was an eerily calm day. I left here that morning saying we were not going to talk about things from back home. We were not going to talk about heroin or addiction. We were going to spend the day relaxing and catching fish.

As I sat with my pole in the water that day listening only to the sounds of nature around me it quieted my heart. For some reason a few weeks before I woke up with a feeling in my mothers heart. I knew that feeling. I've felt it before. I was being prepared something.

It took a few days but I realized one morning when I read the scripture for my devotional from Isaiah 41:10. It read:

Do not fear, for I am with you always; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Was this an omen of something to come? As that week went on one evening at dinner time I told the hubby as I fought back tears, I think we are going lose our son. I don't know why I feel it, but my heart is preparing me for something. We both agreed then that if that is what was going to happen that we were both going to have to accept that this was a very long battle and that we had did the best that we could. We did everything humanly possible.

On Saturday as I fished I closed my eyes several times just taking in all the sounds around me and thinking just how beautiful God's music really is.

Just for that moment the serenity and peace that surrounded me what I was experiencing cannot be put into words. I just literally felt at peace unknown to me for several years. I wanted to put it in a bottle and take it home with me. I just remember listening to the sounds of nature all around me that God had really put together a beautiful orchestra for me that day.

I reflected on the people we have met in this struggle who are also struggling and thanked God for all of them. We are all struggling loving someone who is addicted and in a time of need we all come together to be with those who are in need, even if it is just a kind word, or just to say, you know I've been thinking of you today. OR I'm praying for you today.

I didn't realize it back in June but thinking back I think that I just needed a disconnect, a little downtime and by letting go and that I was actually allowing a higher power over me to take control. For all of this time I've asked Him for help and I've asked and often begged and pleaded, just fix this. Admitted how powerless we are and how our lives were so unmanageable.

I'm getting there a few moments at a time. Letting a little go just seconds at a time.

I remember the trip coming home talking about how calm and relaxing the day really was and how thankful we had those hours. How beautiful the day had turned out.

In reflecting back on the past weeks and last Saturday is that what happens when we say and really, truly mean God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things that I cannot change?

If so, it was a wonderful feeling.

I thought about our son, this disease of addiction and I constantly have told myself- I am powerless over heroin. My life is unmanageable. I have believed that a higher power could restore my sanity. I hadn't said the words. Or if I did maybe I hadn't meant them as much as I did the weeks prior.

And...

All I had to do was let it all go even when I didn't realize a simple sentence was enough. Faith- When I didn't realize it was faith in letting it go. Faith the size of a mustard seed was enough to remove that mountain.

Grant me the strength of Eagles wings, the faith and courage to fly to new heights and the wisdom to rely on Your spirit to carry me there.

The very next day on July 10, 2016 our son made the decision to go into treatment.

God,

I offer myself to you to build with me & to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of your Power, your love & your way of life.
May I do Thy will always!

© 2016 Gossip Girl