I Am An Addicts Mom

I am part of a club. I wouldn't necessarily call it an elite club by any means. It certainly isn't a club that any of you would like to be part of. There are thousands of us all over the United States and abroad. I wasn't brought into this club as any choice of mine, but still the same here I am.

In case you are wondering what club I am speaking about, I am known to many as an Addicts Mom.

Last April I invited others here- parents, mothers, sisters, and brothers, grandparents and
friends of those suffering from addiction to come out and join me at the crossroads.

I stepped way outside of my comfort zone to do that. I am not one for public speaking or standing in the spotlight. I was tired. I was afraid. I was searching for some answers and offering up some help and with the promise that we will walk this together.  Standing with me that day were several other mothers, parents, friends, sisters and relatives.

Today a year later we are still together in this. A few of us have found recovery; others still struggling. We don't give up on each other. We are The Addicts Mom.

Although apparently frowned upon now by some, YES we meet in church basements to share our stories and to talk with others who share our pain.

Many of us who meet in church basements are not just moms. Many who meet are friends, parents, grandparents, sisters, brothers and spouses. We are held together by a special bond. We are all affected by this and we all love someone who suffers from an addiction drugs.

YES some of us who meet in the church basements are walking those STEPS.

Many of us have gotten to that place where we can no longer deny and if but just to save a little piece of ourselves, and gain just a little peace and serenity even if it is only Just For Today, that is what we will do.

Those STEPS for some of us is the only way to save ourselves from the insanity of loving an addict. Those STEPS for many is how we get from today to tomorrow. Those STEPS have brought some of us closer to our Higher Power. To many of us, those STEPS are very important.

Some of us have learned to accept and admitted that we didn't cause this, we cannot fix this and we sure as heck cannot control the addicts that we love. If there is one thing we deserve it is just a little happiness and yes, that might only be just for today!

We wish not one other parent, relative or friend ever had to go through this pain of loving an addict or ever knew what we on this side knows about when someone you love suffers from an addiction.

Many who read here are part of the silent majority who remain in the stigma of the disease. They too love someone who uses and abuses drugs.

If you live close by to Martinsburg, WV or Berkeley County, WV I invite you today to meet us in the church basement. We meet in the church basement every Sunday at 6 PM at Trinity United Methodist Church here in Martinsburg. The address is 220 W. Martin St. You may not feel like being there, but you will be glad that you came. The STEPS are optional!

© 2017 Gossip Girl

National Drug Facts Week: Early Prevention Starts With Awareness

Last week I received an email from Jackie Cortez of Prevention Coalition.  What a great way to start the National Drug Facts Week off than to share some valuable links? It starts with prevention. It starts with more parental awareness. Prevention starts in the home, in the schools, in the churches, in the clubs.

Jackie says:

We Need To Stop Making Excuses

As parents we get caught up in a world of addiction that none of us really fully understand.

Today is the day that we have to stop making all the excuses. 

Believe me. I know. As a parent it is hard to understand and it's hard to stop making excuses for our loved ones behavior.

As one parent to another it is time to stop the denial. 

Stop denying the mistakes that our kids make. They are called mistakes for a reason. As hard as it is as a parent we have to allow our kids to make them. Sometimes their mistakes lead to making bad choices.

The mess left will be their mess to clean up in the end. So be it. That is a life lesson.

How will they learn lessons? How will they grow from the mistakes they have made?

And YES, this also means even if they are using and abusing heroin or other drugs. Even if they have fallen into that bottomless pit.

We as parents have to allow them to hit that bottom. We have to allow them that fall. I know that is hard. They will never find their bottom as long as we parents are giving them the means to stay in their addiction.

Our kids will never be able to explain it nor why they ever tried heroin so we have to stop pressing them for that answer. Our kids will never be able to explain why they repeated mistakes even when they knew the hole they were digging was too big for them to ever climb out of.

They can never explain it, BUT we have to allow them to STOP making excuses. We as parents have to stop making excuses for their addictive behaviors. It starts with stopping the enabling. We cannot ever expect them to reach their bottom when we are throwing them the rope. We have to allow them to own it.

We have to allow that no one ever forced them to do anything they didn't want to do. Yes they were no doubt influenced. Yes they were probably manipulated into it, but in the end our kids said, YES!

Rather than making excuses for them, not blaming everyone including yourself, there comes a time that we have to make them (or allow them)... own it! We as parents have to show them that they are being held accountable.

They don't have to explain it, but they do have to learn from it!

Now, you might wonder why this is so important?

Holding our sons, daughters or loved one accountable is forcing them from the victim mentality of the disease and will allow them the challenge gaining victor mentality over their addiction.

It will put them back in control of their life.

Those in recovery should rise up to the challenge and be empowered. Know you are worth it! Being a victor in this disease will help them in their first steps of recovering from this disease.

We as the parents need to stop with the victim mentality and take control over our own lives. We as parents need to take on the victor mentality by realizing that our child can recover from this disease and be free of the disease of addiction. We have to allow this in order for recovery and healing for ourselves.


We as the parents are in control of your own lives but by realizing all of this we in fact are on the first step of healing ourselves.

© 2016 Gossip Girl

Drug Slang

If you are a parent, learn the lingo...

See Also:

Drug Slang Dictionary

Let's Be Honest: The Do's and Don't of Dealing With an Active User

Let's be honest for a moment. Stop what you are doing, close your eyes, and think about your addict for a moment. Maybe you just found out that someone you love is using. If so, you are at the right place to find information. At the very top of this blog you will see a tab called, Treatment/ Recovery Assistance. Click on the link to

(Parents) How To: Talk To Your Teen About Drugs

Were the 80's Kids the Guinea Pigs for Generation Rx?

I am a baby boomer. My children were 80's kids known otherwise as Generation Y. Known to me as the guinea pigs to Generation Rx. You may know some of them yourself. The generation of kids who rate a hang nail and paper cut in the same pain scale as an

Please God, I'm Only 17

This was posted in a Dear Abby Column circa late 1970's early 1980's. My mom clipped it a very long time ago and gave it to me a very long time ago. It is worth sharing!

The day I died was an ordinary school day. How I wish I had taken the bus! But I was too cool for the bus. I remember how I wheedled the car out of Mom. ``Special favor,`` I pleaded. ``All the kids drive.`

When the 2:50 bell rang, I threw all my books in the locker. I was free until 8:40 tomorrow morning! I ran to the parking lot, excited at the thought of driving a car and being my own boss. Free!

It doesn`t matter how the accident happened. I was goofing off--going too fast. Taking crazy chances. But I was enjoying my freedom and having fun. The last thing I remember was passing an old lady who seemed to be going awfully slow. I heard a deafening crash and I felt a terrible jolt. Glass and steel flew everywhere. My whole body seemed to be turning inside out. I heard myself scream.

Suddenly I awakened; it was very quiet. A police officer was standing over me. Then I saw a doctor. My body was mangled. I was saturated with blood. Pieces of jagged glass were sticking out all over. Strange that I couldn`t feel anything.

Hey, don`t pull that sheet over my head! I can`t be dead. I`m only 17. I`ve got a date tonight. I`m supposed to grow up and have a wonderful life. I haven`t lived yet. I can`t be dead.

Later I was placed in a drawer. My folks had to identify me. Why did they have to see me like this? Why did I have to look at Mom`s eyes when she faced the most terrible ordeal of her life? Dad suddenly looked like an old man. He told the man in charge, ``Yes, he is my son.``

The funeral was a weird experience. I saw all my relatives and friends walk toward the casket. They passed by, one by one, and looked at me with the saddest eyes I`ve ever seen. Some of my buddies were crying. A few of the girls touched my hand and sobbed as they walked away.

Please--somebody--wake me up! Get me out of here! I can`t bear to see my mom and dad so broken up. My grandparents are so racked with grief they can hardly walk. My brother and sisters are like zombies. They move like robots. In a daze, everybody! No one can believe this. And I can`t believe it, either.

Please don`t bury me! I`m not dead! I have a lot of living to do!

I want to laugh and run again.

I want to sing and dance.

Please don`t put me in the ground. I promise if you give me just one more chance, God, I`ll be the most careful driver in the whole world.

All I want is one more chance.

Please, God, I`m only 17!

Written by Unknown and posted by Dear Abby

Back To School Reminder: Our Kids Are Dying

Yesterday our kids went back to school here in Berkeley County (WV). Facebook reminders told us to watch out for the school buses on the roadways. I read reminders from driving carefully because of the small children on the bus stops to reminders to stop for the flashing red school bus lights.

BUT...

Challenge Myself: Day #64 Communicating

Today is Day #64 of our NarAnon Group Just For Today Challenge. I am also integrating the Live Happy into my Challenge. The Live Happy Challenge for today- the next time you don't see eye to eye on a subject, write your significant other a succinct message clarifying your point of view.

The book says,

The next time your spouse tunes a deaf ear to your point of view, try a new strategy. Write him/her a succinctly worded note. Resist the urge to name calling to point out a stubborn streak, or threaten.

Instead, create a lens for him/her to see your position on the subject.

Argue your point without finding fault with him/her as a person. Show respect for the others point of view, but reveal why you've arrived at the opposite conclusion. He or she is not the enemy.

Tackle the problem, not the person, and you may find that the other isn't all that attached to their point of view after all.

Apply the same strategy to talking with the other person and you may find they are listening.

Our boys were all three teens at the same time. I know when they were all home they used to do little things that made me a little mad for instance shaving. They would leave those little hairs all over the place in the bathroom. In the sink, around the sink and on the floor. Tired of cleaning up after them I started leaving post it notes on the bathroom mirror asking they clean up the shaving mess.

Another note I left a lot was one above the kitchen sink that read, "If you are standing here and there are dirty dishes in the sink, please wash them."

When the kids were home we had a rule that nothing was too big to talk to us about. The same applied to us, the grown ups in the home. The hubby and I have always talked. Now, many years ago we worked opposite shifts at work and it was hard. I often left notes for the hubby of Things To Do. We always make time to talk.

Just For Today: Keeping the lines of communication open with my family.

I found a couple websites:

How To: Communicate With Children
Effective Communication With Your Spouse

From the book: Live Happy

Live Happy: Families and Home

For the past few days of the  Live Happy Challenges have been about parents and children and home.

I know there are several young parents who are afraid bringing their children up in the community around the drugs and this heroin epidemic. I know, they talk to me all of the time.

I just want all parents to know that You can do everything right and still have a child fall into the heroin or addiction trap. You can do everything wrong and have the child never try drugs.

Drugs and drug abuse has nothing to do with home and family and as much as people for years have blamed parents and made this look like a moral failing.

This... is a society failure. When heroin was first getting started here in the late nineties early two thousand, what was done to stop it?

Now that it is out of control, taking over our communities like a cancer what measures are in place to stop it's spread?

First and foremost our community politicians in all of these years never once offered the solution of a treatment center. Once they did a fight started and here we are today and still no real solutions in place.

Oh we can continue sending those addicted to far away places like is happening. It reminds me of the olden days of shaming when the young girl was unwed and pregnant so they sent her away in shame.

Society has criminalized the addicted so that even if they do stop using, recover and stay clean they have a hard time finding a job, a home. There is no help. There is no program of a relearning of sorts to get their lives back in order. There is only the devastation and hopelessness felt by addicts. This then leads to  emotions of failure, depression, anger, disparity, confusion and this is how the cycle of addiction which can and does lead to relapse when they can't find a job, or they are homeless.

Our own son is five and a half hours away recovering. Although that day is far from today it is only six more months. Six months to worry about what will happen on that day. Honestly, I don't want him coming back here. For one the triggers live among us. AND Two we do not have the rest of the steps in place right here in our community.

I know I shouldn't worry. Six months is still a long time. June felt like it lasted five minutes so his time there will be up before we know it and I am scared.

I hope he finds a job where he is and I hope he choses to stay and live right where he is.
© 2016 Gossip Girl

Challenge Myself: Day #59 Grandparent Interaction

Today is Day #59 of our Nar Anon Group Just For Today Challenge. I am also integrating the Live Happy into my Challenge. The Live Happy Challenge for today is about respecting grand parents

The book says,

If your children have grown up with grandparents around, they are truly lucky. Grandparents are repositories of memories and details of a bygone era and as such are often treasure troves of information for younger generations.

Encourage lively discourse

Challenge Myself: Day #58 Praise Good Behavior

Today is Day #58 of our Nar Anon Group Just For Today Challenge. I am also integrating the Live Happy into my Challenge. The Live Happy Challenge for today is about praising good behavior with praise.

The book says,

It is human nature to repeat behaviors that get a lot of attention. When it comes to your efforts to build a strong happy family, the key is to focus on the positive behaviors you want repeated and not the negative ones.

Try also to lavish praise consistently for that particular behavior.

What do you do when a behavior is bad? You ignore what you can. Refuse to give it any attention. And pick your fights carefully. Because attention is usually what the other individual or child is seeking.

Your attention is the payoff for him/her acting out or doing something praise worthy. So, praise what you like, and ignore, if you can, what you don't like.

I notice that this applies also to our son who is recovering. I notice that when I stay positive and say positive things this helps him. And the days when he struggles I try to remain positive and if he falls I still say positive things instead of bashing and putting him down because for a moment he lost his way.

Just For Today: I will praise the good things.

pic from: Parent Training Promotional
From the book: Live Happy

Challenge Myself: Day #57 Be A Better Parent

Today is Day #57 of our Nar Anon Group Just For Today Challenge. I am also integrating the Live Happy into my Challenge. The Live Happy Challenge for today is learning to be a better parent.

The book says,

If you want to be the best parent you can be, sign up for parenting classes. Such classes can often be found through parent teacher organizations, local adult education courses, the family court system and even online.

Learn what to expect from your child as he or she goes through the various stages to adulthood. Discover techniques for discipline

Love The Addict Not The Addiction: Unconditional Love

This was shared today on Facebook. If you love someone who is using and abusing this drug you know the shame and stigma that others place on your family.

We've been there before. Very early it is denial until you just cannot deny it anymore. Then you move onto other things trying to control the addiction. Hoping you can fix your loved one who is so broken by this addiction.

It is a terrible and lonely place to be.

I do not expect my family or friends to know exactly what it feels like to love someone so broken in this addiction that they cannot see there is a light.

We know the shame that we go through. We've heard the terrible things, the name calling and mainly from those who say they love us.

This is my family. We suffer right along with our son as we watch him struggle and we are powerless.

I will no longer allow anyone that much power over me again.

If you say you love us and you don't- I will not care.

If you say you care about us and you don't- I will not care.

We are already powerless over heroin and this addiction and what it has done to our son. I just cannot allow those who do not understand the power to make me feel so broken inside anymore.

pic from: Someone's Child

Words Written: © 2016 Gossip Girl

Building A Happy Relationship

The next section of Challenges is about building Attracting and Building Happy Relationships.

The challenges are from the book: Live Happy

pic found @ Pinterest

These Hands...

I Don't Know How To Do This Anymore

In mid-April, we found our way to our local chapter of Nar-Anon. We've been attending ever since. I can honestly tell you that it has helped just surrounding ourselves even for just an hour with people who know exactly what we are going through and who understand our feelings ranging from pain to anger.

I made a commitment to myself that in order to cross the second gap I needed to let go- of a lot of things- including anger and holding grudges. I had to do this in order to let go of the insanity of loving someone using and abusing heroin, opiates and other drugs.

Honestly, I don't know if I can do this anymore. After a lot of soul searching I have come to a realization.

We are parents first in our child's lives. Parenting is guiding them through the early years, teaching them, providing the basic needs and necessities. We did all of that and more. We didn't have a lot of money so the hubby and I often went without just so we could provide for the kid's everything they needed.

Once our kids come of age we continue through life just being mom and dad.

I have come to the place in admitting a big mistake that I made. Probably the biggest no-no in the parenting book. I was the chief problem solver in the home. As the kids were growing up whenever they had a problem I always told them no problem was ever that big. Which they aren't except that I always did the problem solving for them. I never guided them through the problem in order for them to work it out themselves. I did it for them.

Now what I am left with is four adult kids who cannot work out and solve their own problems because I always did it for them. They have come to me for advice many times as adults. No problem right? Wrong.

They have twisted the advice and honestly they've never stepped up to the plate. I could give many examples which I won't. I won't be here all of their lives. They have to learn to do this on their own. Either sink or swim. If they have to live this life by themselves, they will sink. They already are sinking.

So here I am at a place in life where I have to admit it. Honestly I do not know how to be the mother of an addicted child. This chapter of life was not in any of the parenting books I ever read. There is no scripts to read. I don't know how to do this anymore. The mothering part in me wants me to fix it and make it all better again. I can't fix this.

After eleven years of going through this I feel like I just want to yell "UNCLE" and be done. I'm KO'd in this round. Game Over!

We used to eat healthier, now I've noticed that our diet has gone to hell. We used to go to the gym three days a week. We haven't been there in a year and still continue to pay the dues each month. We are forgetting how to live our lives.

We've been working through the steps of Nar Anon. You know, admitting we are powerless over addiction? Admitting the Insanity of addiction?

Through all of this, we have forgotten to live our lives. I have given this 100% of my time and my energy and I do not know how to do this anymore.

© 2016 Gossip Girl

Educating Is The First Step

Whenever I see an opening in conversation I like to throw in some education on heroin, opiates, drugs and addiction.

When I read, see or hear some trash talk conversation or those seem to talk clueless about heroin and addiction I normally start with:

Not one person ever wakes up one morning, bored and says, "hmmmm I think I'll become a heroin addict today."

If We Do Nothing...

About a month ago I held a Community Awakening, Memorial and Vigil to bring attention to our growing heroin epidemic here in Berkley County, West Virginia.

This event was to bring us all together in one place. That place is the site of the proposed treatment center here in Martinsburg, West Virginia.

About fifty people attended from various groups here in the county. All of us coming together as one. The goal I had in mind then is still the goal I have in mind today. We have to make them see in such a way that they cannot deny this problem any longer. This will not go away on it's own.

Although a month ago I still remember the words of Mr. James Boyd that day when he said,

"If we do nothing this will hit those who haven't even made it here yet."

Boy was he right. Yesterday I learned that three young people from our county who just graduated from high school six days ago are dead from an overdose. There was a graduation party this past weekend and from the stories I am hearing about it they apparently bought what they thought was cocaine. It was either pure heroin or it was cocaine laced with heroin I'm not sure which since our county officials- Sheriffs Department- has not come forward to the news paper with this story.

I am saddened, but I am not shocked or surprised.

I am saddened that another family is going through this; yet I'm not shocked or surprised that this has happened.