Friday, June 24, 2016

I Don't Know How To Do This Anymore

In mid April we found our way to our local chapter of Nar-Anon. We've been attending ever since. I can honestly tell you that it has helped just surrounding ourselves even for just an hour with people who know exactly what we are going through and who understand our feelings ranging from pain to anger.

I made a commitment to myself that in order to cross the second gap I needed to let go- of a lot of things- including anger and holding grudges. I had to do this in order to let go of the insanity of loving someone using and abusing heroin, opiates and other drugs.

Honestly, I don't know if I can do this anymore. After a lot of soul searching I have come to a realization.

We are parents first in our child's lives. Parenting is guiding them through the early years, teaching them, providing the basic needs and necessities. We did all of that and more. We didn't have a lot of money so the hubby and I often went without just so we could provide for the kids everything they needed.

Once our kids come of age we continue through life just being mom and dad.

I have come to the place in admitting a big mistake that I made. Probably the biggest no-no in the parenting book. I was chief problem solver in the home. As the kids were growing up whenever they had a problem I always told them no problem was ever that big. Which they aren't except that I always did the problem solving for them. I never guided them through the problem in order for them to work it out themselves. I did it for them.

Now what I am left with is four adult kids who cannot work out and solve their own problems because I always did it for them. They have come to me for advice many times as adults. No problem right? Wrong.

They have twisted the advice and honestly they've never stepped up to the plate. I could give many examples which I won't. I won't be here all of their lives. They have to learn to do this on their own. Either sink or swim. If they have to live this life by themselves, they will sink. They already are sinking.

So here I am at a place in life where I have to admit it. Honestly I do not know how to be the mother of an addicted child. This chapter of life was not in any of the parenting books I ever read. There is no scripts to read. I don't know how to do this anymore. The mothering part in me wants me to fix it and make it all better again. I can't fix this.

After eleven years of going through this I feel like I just want to yell "UNCLE" and be done. I'm KO'd in this round. Game Over!

We used to eat healthier, now I've noticed that our diet has gone to hell. We used to go to the gym three days a week. We haven't been there in a year and still continue to pay the dues each month. We are forgetting how to live our lives.

We've been working through the steps of Nar Anon. You know, admitting we are powerless over addiction? Admitting the Insanity of addiction?

Through all of this, we have forgotten to live our lives. I have given this 100% of my time and my energy and I do not know how to do this anymore.

© 2016 Gossip Girl

No comments:

Post a Comment