Things I Learned From An Addict: Who or What Did I Raise Anyway?

Yep, you will soon be wondering that!!! This is another part in the series of posts Things I Learned From an Addict. Today's post is about addiction and what happens when the enabling stops.

I know many are going through this today. It's a conflicting place to be, isn't it? I mean you love the person with the disease of addiction and hate the disease of addiction and what it has turned the person you love into.

In his addiction, I do not recognize him. I remember him as a child with so many dreams and aspirations and I wonder, how did things go so wrong in his life?

Things I Learned From An Addict: The Tangled Web of the Enabler

Today's post is about getting caught up and entangled in that black web as the enabler. Long before the signs of any drug abuse are out you are already there. You just don't realize it yet.  Even before you know you're there, you're trapped, your entangled.

That too isn't your fault. If you had known your child was using drugs would you have given money towards the abuse for your loved one to buy drugs?

Yes, you do- Sometimes. Even if after you know your child is using how hard is it for you to stop this destructive behavior? It is very hard to stop it after that. It's like a train running full speed towards a derailment.

I know as I type this that you are probably already there and don't really know how to get out of it. Neither did I.

Today's word for the day is

The Enabler:


That is me! Hello I AM I WAS the Enabler

I lived there for several years and I fell for it yet again.

You know just the word alone- ENABLER sounds so criminal, so suspect doesn't it?

Maybe that is because there was one time that I threatened to call the cops on my son because of something he stole from us and he told me,

"Go ahead call the cops because you're in as much trouble as I am."

Hmmm, how do you figure that?

"Well, who gave me the money to go buy it. You're my co-dependent and when I tell them you'll be arrested too. You are just as guilty because you have been funding me. Wait until I call the cops. Mommy, I thought you were smart. You are just so stupid."

Now all that seems pretty funny huh? It isn't when you're on my side of the table as the enabler. I believed it. I remembered what my mother told me about when you're helping someone break the law- you're just as guilty.

Now to be here in the shoes of not only the enabler, but he was now actually extorting money from me with this shit- because he convinced me that I would be arrested that is a horrible place to be. Trust me!!! And the worst is that I believed it.

If my husband has told you he is angry as he has in some settings. This is why he is. It is embarrassing so he may not give the full details about it but this is why. When I told the hubby the full details of the extortion he went through the roof- not literally.

We'll talk more about the Master Liar, Manipulator and Extortionist later on, but today is about enabling. Whatever you do don't fall for it!! But I know you are probably already there. If you are, get out of it now and you can!!!

If you don't know whether or not you are enabling -if you are giving them money for any reason- you are enabling especially if you know what that money is being used for.

If you are believing their lies I need $20 for gas.

I want to go look for a job
I have a job interview and need money to get to it.
I need some cigarettes
The baby needs diapers

If this is constant and daily and they are asking for $20, $40 or $60 then you've no doubt fallen into the pit of the enabler.

Before I realized that he was using heroin I was trapped. I think it was that I was first in denial. But was I really? What could I deny that I didn't know? I know it all sounds confusing. If you're on the side of loving an addict, it will make perfect sense. Their addiction alone is enough to drive you totally insane trying to figure everything out.

We who love them don't think the worst of those we love by thinking, I wonder if they are on drugs? Nope, our minds didn't even go there. What parent automatically assumes the worse? I know I didn't. Now a relapse. Trust me honey- you're there!!!

It was when the brick shit house crumbled that I had no other choices but to get out!

All of our savings= Wiped Out
A CD at the bank of a rolled over 401K from a previous job= Wiped Out

Then I was laid off from work= No extra money

By then I had no choice- either we could live about as destitute as our child- the heroin abuser

OR 
We Just Had To Say No... and mean it. And I did...
You are going to have to do this at some time so today should be the day. Someone once asked me, What would you do if you gave him money to go buy and that was the last time? What if he died from shooting up? What then? Knowing you gave him the money to shoot up that one last time?

The word No takes on new meaning now!!!

No more could I deny that he didn't have a problem. It was out there in flashing lights!

Just saying No sometimes isn't enough for some. You continue giving when there is nothing left to give. I know one lady who has been going without her meds because of going through this with her grandchild.

You Have To Say NO And No Means No


As the lady above living without her meds, I just told her family member this may fall under elder abuse because the lady is elderly.

My son is very lucky that I did not press charges of extortion on him. I should have when I learned differently.

He took me for a boat ride without the paddles and I fell for it. In the end, I called the police to turn myself in and they said that I had fallen into a dark pit of enabling my son's drug habits. That was not a crime.
I have to be careful with my child the user. My parents are up in their years and I have to make sure that he isn't dragging them into the pits because they live on a fixed income.

When he broke into their house- I was angry at him- so angry I wanted to beat his ass like he was ten years old- of course, the police tell me this would fall under domestic violence. I would never allow any of my kids to have that kind of power over me. I have to stay civil right now and at least for my son's two children.  They are very scared right now that their dad is doing the bad things that will get him into trouble. I'm stuck there- caring for someone I love addicted to heroin and opiates, someone who is sick in the head from addiction at the moment- and yet on the side of also wanting to protect my grandchildren who do not deserve any of this. It's so conflicting sometimes.

Part III: Dealing With the Master Liar, Manipulator and Extortionist.
© 2016 Gossip Girl

Things I've Learned From An Addict: The Signs

Now, whether or not an addict is living in your home I think you can relate to some of this...

Our son has not lived with us for many years however here is some of the things I can tell you about dealing with an addict. We found it really doesn't matter if they live with you or not.

I have divided this into five or six posts because there are a lot of things I learned. Let's start with the signs.

The Earliest Signs Do Get Missed:

Trust me here. What we know now and what we didn't even know about heroin and opiates unless they have a sign flashing or they come right out and tell you. No, you will miss it whether they live in your home or not. Even if you see them a lot, you'll miss it. Why? Because I really don't think as parents we are looking for the signs in the first place. We can see a lot of odd behavior and in our minds, we somehow sweep it away to mean something else.

Our son didn't live with us and one day I happened to notice that I had three spoons left from my dollar store bought set. It's only me, the hubby and the dog here. I accused the hubby of throwing out the spoons to the trash. Why would you throw away our good set of china?

A tote of shoes in the closet of the spare room- every pair was missing the strings- weird...

Every time we wanted to throw something on the grill we had to go buy a new box of aluminum foil...WTH do we have aluminum foil bandits living in the laundry room?

Now for some reason and I don't know why if I get agitated or mad I start cleaning. I'm talking about chucking the furniture around like I'm the incredible hulk style of cleaning. I was angry at something that happened at work and came home and literally just started cleaning and pulled the cushions of the couch to vacuum and found a bent spoon with a burned black mark on the bottom.

I picked it up and wiped the black mark and HOLY COW... that was the moment I finally figured out what those black smudges were in my bathroom These marks weren't there all the time, I only found them when our son stopped by. I knew what they are now.

From there the puzzle in my mind started and I started connecting all of the dots. Who? What? When? That sort of stuff.

It hit me whenever my son visited he came in and said, I've gotta go to the bathroom. When he went to the bathroom he was in there for what seemed hours. What are you doing? When will it be time for the next group to go? Did you fall in or something? Hello... Hello...

The next time he came here I wouldn't even let him in the door. Oh no, you got to go, leave, get out of here!! You don't have to leave but ya gotta get the heck off my porch.

He was just visiting. We told him that He was not allowed to visit or be around us when he was using. He needed to respect us that we didn't like him using, we didn't want it anywhere near our home and just how much we hated drugs of any kind.

Now, this is a Bill Engvall Here's Your Sign... moment. The sign was flashing many colors but there it was!!!

Even then we didn't know it was heroin. I looked online at drugs and spoons and all sorts of drugs came up- crack and others.

It would be several months later before we learned it was indeed called heroin. This is nothing you can smell.

Of course by this time they've been using for some time. This wasn't a fluke. It wasn't like this was the first time. Don't deny it. You'll feel much better in the end- trust me.

Don't blame yourself for not knowing!! I know you will. I'm just telling you DON'T!!! It wasn't you. You had nothing to do with it.
Why blame yourself when you didn't know. We all want to believe that none of our kids would ever use drugs so no... stop blaming yourself. Unless the umbilical cord is still attached to them which it is not you really didn't know.

How would you know if you didn't know what to look for?

And well how many of us parents even think their kids would be using drugs? None of us!

Some personal signs I noticed from my son:

• If your loved one suddenly cannot keep a job
• If you find that they are sleeping all of the time
• No attention span when talking to them. They appear they are nodding out which is what it is called.
• Uncontrollable eyes- especially when they are under the influence of heroin. Their eyes appear all over the place. I even commented What is up with your crazy eyes?
• They cannot hold a conversation without dropping off to sleep.
• Under the influence, their speech is slurred but you cannot smell alcohol.
• It's 120 outside and they are wearing hoodies and sweat pants.

This is the Heroin/Opiate abuse: The Classic Textbook Signs of what they tell us are the signs of heroin/opiate abuse.


Part II: The Enabler

© 2016 Gossip Girl