That too isn't your fault. If you had known your child was using drugs would you have given money towards the abuse for your loved one to buy drugs?
Yes, you do- Sometimes. Even if after you know your child is using how hard is it for you to stop then? It is very hard to stop it after that. It's like a train running full speed towards a derailment.
I know as I type this that you are probably already there and don't really know how to get out of it. Neither did I.
Today's word for the day is
That is me! Hello I AM I WAS the Enabler
I lived there for several years and I fell for it yet again.
You know just the word alone- ENABLER sounds so criminal, so suspect doesn't it?
Maybe that is because there was one time that I threatened to call the cops on my son because of something he stole from us and he told me,
"Go ahead call the cops because you're in as much trouble as I am."
Hmmm, how do you figure that?
"Well, who gave me the money to go buy it. You're my co-dependent and when I tell them you'll be arrested too. You are just as guilty because you have been funding me. Wait until I call the cops. Mommy, I thought you were smart. You are just so stupid."
Now all that seems pretty funny huh? It isn't when you're on my side of the table as the enabler. I believed it. I remembered what my mother told me about when you're helping someone break the law- you're just as guilty.
Now to be here in the shoes of not only the enabler, but he was now actually extorting money from me with this shit- because he convinced me that I would be arrested that is a horrible place to be. Trust me!!! And the worst is that I believed it.
If my husband has told you he is angry as he has in some settings. This is why he is. It is embarrassing so he may not give the full details about it but this is why. When I told the hubby the full details of the extortion he went through the roof- not literally.
We'll talk more about the Master Liar, Manipulator and Extortionist later on, but today is about enabling. Whatever you do don't fall for it!! But I know you are probably already there. If you are, get out of it now and you can!!!
If you don't know whether or not you are enabling -if you are giving them money for any reason- you are enabling especially if you know what that money is being used for.
If you are believing their lies I need $20 for gas.
I want to go look for a job
I have a job interview and need money to get to it.
I need some cigarettes
The baby needs diapers
If this is constant and daily and they are asking for $20, $40 or $60 then you've no doubt fallen into the pit of the enabler.
Before I realized that he was using heroin I was trapped. I think it was that I was first in denial. But was I really? What could I deny that I didn't know? I know it all sounds confusing. If you're on the side of loving an addict, it will make perfect sense. Their addiction alone is enough to drive you totally insane trying to figure everything out.
We who love them don't think the worst of those we love by thinking, I wonder if they are on drugs? Nope, our minds didn't even go there. What parent automatically assumes the worse? I know I didn't. Now a relapse. Trust me honey- you're there!!!
It was when the brick shit house crumbled that I had no other choices but to get out!
All of our savings= Wiped Out
A CD at the bank of a rolled over 401K from a previous job= Wiped Out
Then I was laid off from work= No extra money
By then I had no choice- either we could live about as destitute as our child- the heroin abuser
We Just Had To Say No... and mean it. And I did...
You are going to have to do this at some time so today should be the day. Someone once asked me, What would you do if you gave him money to go buy and that was the last time? What if he died from shooting up? What then? Knowing you gave him the money to shoot up that one last time?
The word No takes on new meaning now!!!
No more could I deny that he didn't have a problem. It was out there in flashing lights!
Just saying No sometimes isn't enough for some. You continue giving when there is nothing left to give. I know one lady who has been going without her meds because of going through this with her grandchild.
You Have To Say NO And No Means No
As the lady above living without her meds, I just told her family member this may fall under elder abuse because the lady is elderly.
My son is very lucky that I did not press charges of extortion on him. I should have when I learned differently.
He took me for a boat ride without the paddles and I fell for it. In the end, I called the police to turn myself in and they said that I had fallen into a dark pit of enabling my son's drug habits. That was not a crime.
I have to be careful with my child the user. My parents are up in their years and I have to make sure that he isn't dragging them into the pits because they live on a fixed income.
When he broke into their house- I was angry at him- so angry I wanted to beat his ass like he was ten years old- of course, the police tell me this would fall under domestic violence. I would never allow any of my kids to have that kind of power over me. I have to stay civil right now and at least for my son's two children. They are very scared right now that their dad is doing the bad things that will get him into trouble. I'm stuck there- caring for someone I love addicted to heroin and opiates, someone who is sick in the head from addiction at the moment- and yet on the side of also wanting to protect my grandchildren who do not deserve any of this. It's so conflicting sometimes.
Part III: Dealing With the Master Liar, Manipulator and Extortionist.
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