Monday, May 23, 2016

A Letter To Our Son


As you can imagine we've had a lot of time to reflect back over the years. Time is a funny thing, son. Although time continues moving the clocks ahead there are many moments that our mind plays it all in rewind.

We realized many years ago that gone is the baby boy we held in our arms long ago. From bouncing on a knee to hear you laugh to wiping tears and a runny nose when you were sick. Those years too are gone.

Gone are the years when you were learning to fish to making your own bamboo fishing pole. Gone are the days of doing all those little boy things from getting dirty to collecting bugs and all sorts of creepy creatures that you weren't afraid of. That includes the day you carried that snake in the house knowing that I was terrified of those things.

Gone too are all of the hopes and dreams that we had for you.

Time flew by so quickly. It felt like one day you were going to your first day of kindergarten and the next you were eighteen years old ready to try your own wings in the world.

I remember the excitement in your eyes the day that you told us that you met your first love. "She's the one mom," were your words. Then just a few months later we shared in the excitement and joy of the news that within nine months you would be giving us our first grandchild.

I remember the day that you came to tell me that you had went to the court house and got married. That night we met you guys at the Chinese place remember that night? I know you do because I asked you what her mother meant when she told you, "you know she's your problem now, not mine." You told me, "she's the one, mom."

How could we have known then that when you made that leap and walked out of our door for the last time into your own home that two years later the words heroin and addiction would forever become part of our family and haunt many of our days and our nights?

Son, as I reflect back you were right. She was the one. This love of your life that you called her, she was the one who injected heroin into your veins for the very first time. Now we realize that you too son bear and share some of that blame. You had many choices to say no and to walk away forever but you chose to stay because you said you loved her. "She's the one, mom."

We have told you many times in the past that we have a very hard time calling any of that love. In our mind that isn't what normal couples do. You continued your best trying hard to convince us "she's the one, mom" and we always gave you the benefit of forgiving.

Son, with all of the history it is very hard forgiving. I know you don't understand and I pray hard for God to help me with all the things I carry in my heart relating to all of that.

I remember a talk we had many years ago when you told me that the minute you opened your eyes after that first high from heroin that you knew you were hooked. You shared a couple instances that you overdosed I'm not sure if you realize just how scary that was to hear you talk about. I guess in some twisted way I was just happy that the one that you say you love had sense enough to get you help in those times.

After that were the many ups and downs as you walked the crossroads dragging us along by your side. The times you spent trying to recover; the times you spent sick from the drug and here we are once again.

You somehow expect me to forget all those times you've shared with me about, "she's the one, mom."

You have run back into the arms of this same woman and you still call it love. You expect us after all of this to share in some joy or fantasy of yours and believe, "she's the one, mom." You hate when I refer to her as Toxic, yet that is all that we see.

We have no clue how you can even think this is close to being true love. Even papers from a court haven't been enough to keep the toxic combo between you two apart. We do not for once call what you have together, love.

Because of the history and the pain we can never accept that, "she's the one mom."

The one thing I will never forget is the day years ago after finding all the things you two stole from our house combined with all of the money that is now gone forever to your shared addiction and the one that you say you love had the nerve to tell me that we owed it to you.

She told me that is what parents do. They owe their children for the rest of their lives.

The times that you have went to jail for crimes of your addiction and being told by the one that you love how bad of parents we were because we refused to run and bail you out.

Remember the night years ago son that you were on the Interstate so drug sick that you didn't want to live like that anymore? Remember when you told me to go home and I stood there and told you that I was there when you took your first breath. This was not the life I chose for you, but if you already had your mind made up that I would stay there while you took your last. Remember that night? Yet you want me to believe, "she's the one, mom."

We have told you many times that nothing we've read in I Corinthians 13 could ever explain away how you think, "she's the one, mom."

Son, for forcing us to bear the years of your addiction as well as the one that you say you love we want you to know that the cost of real love there's no charge...

We set here today not even knowing if the years that you say you were clean were real. We want to believe that you were clean, but after this relapse there is no way of knowing.

Only you know if those years were just a lie. I know you don't understand but we find it hard trusting
you now. I'm sure those words will get twisted around in a way that you will use that to feed your addiction. You always seemed to blame your addiction on us anyway.

We know you can't see it because your mind is clouded with your addiction, but you have so many talents that God gave to you. You are good working with your hands. Just look at the work you did on Carrie's house? Look at the beautiful works of art that you create drawing?

We only want you back the son that we remember from those early days. The happy healthy man free from the addiction of heroin.

In the same words of the one that you claim to love we tell you, You owe this to your children.

We just want you to know that we love you

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