OOPS I Missed It Again...

Years ago Britney Spears sang a song, Oops I Did It Again. Today the song I sing to that same tune, OOPS I Missed it Again. I think our addict tried very hard but got lost in the game.

I tried so hard this time to stay connected with him. The biggest sign I ever got was the disconnect from the groups he was involved in. I asked him and he told me because someone I put him in contact with sent signals of confusion. I saw the messages. He let me read them. They were confusing
even to me. He was reaching out and was only answered with confusing video messages.

He also had not found a sponsor. I told him this several times. Until this weekend I didn't know how that process even worked. I mean I know you just don't get in the phone book and look for, Dial A Sponsor. Finding a sponsor is not like going to match dot com. I know those things. It wasn't my place to find his sponsor.

Today I absolutely have no idea what went wrong in a matter of a month so can only sing, Oops I missed it again!

I know his mind was twisted before he came back home. He wasn't taking care of the deepest demons that plague his mind. The same demons that speak addiction to him. I know he was becoming increasingly stressed over some health concerns.

Is it that there is no aftercare here when they come home?

The most important part of treating addiction is a treatment or rehab center. We don't have that much needed and very important step here. Even if we had this would it have worked in our situation? It's possible. None of us knows.

I told my son how important it was that he try to get into a therapy here. I think my words got lost in the air. He is an adult, not a child, but in some ways, he is childlike. If he needed or wanted someone to go with him to his doctor's appointments, why didn't he ask?

And then here we go, back to the shoulda, coulda, woulda with so many questions. How did this happen? Why does his addiction always lead me back there to those places in my mind? Why do I think it would help putting a time frame to this as to when did we really lose him back to the addiction?

The very last conversation I had with him was about the mass in his chest which I am just learning about and the concern I have since learned about it. His sister telling me it has grown. His very nonchalant talk about death the other day.

Although I wrap myself around missing the signs, and oops I missed it again is it even my place to get it right?

Just For Today I have asked my Higher Power to help me work through my fears, the stress and to stop asking so many questions.

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