honestly, I don't know how to do this anymore.
I have did everything I am supposed to do in my role as the addicts mom.
I have set boundaries, with love.
I have made disconnects, with love just to show that I can step back out of the way.
I have moved away from denial many years ago.
I have educated myself about drugs, the disease of addiction, the family cycle of this disease.
I have educated myself on the underlying mental issues of this disease, as well as the spiritual issues that my children have.
I looked at my co-dependency and have severed those ties as being the enabler.
I stopped taking my child's drug use so personally. I detached with unconditional love. I will always love my child. I will never love what this drug has turned him into.
I have let go of all unnecessary caretaking because I've learned that I didn't cause this, I cannot fix this and I certainly cannot control the addict that I love.
I have learned to take care of myself and my needs first. I deserve to be happy. I deserve the same respect. I deserve peace and serenity. I deserve days without worry.
I have started walking those steps. If the addict I love has to walk them as part of his program, then I will walk each step beside of him.
I have let go and allowed my Higher Power the control.
I was there when my son was ready to live again. We drove him five and a half hours to what would be his healing ground.
I had started to live again. Each day had gotten better. Little by little I was regaining some peace and restoring the sanity that I felt I had lost dealing with someone I love who is addicted to powerful drugs.
I had thought for many months that I had taken back some of the authority over my life by following all the rules.
There are days that I have to just step back and breathe.
In all honesty, in following all the rules and doing what I am supposed to do I don't really know how to be an addict's mom anymore because of a long the way the reminders are always present. The what if's never go away.
Being a mom is a selfless act. We forget about our needs for the needs of our children. I always thought that after the kids grew up and went out on their own that there would come a time that I could once again put me first in my life.
I just want to be a regular mom again without any of this. I know that will never happen because of what this drug has done to someone I love. Just what is a regular mom anyway?
Will it always be like this? Will I always be living in the shadows of heroin and what this drug has done to someone I love?
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