I wanted so much for our son to get better from this addiction. Unfortunately, I once again was manipulated by the addict that I love. OR maybe I wanted it so much that I didn't see the whole
picture for what it really was. Who knows, maybe I was just too emotionally involved. I don't know anymore.
Whichever way it ended tragically. I believed our son the night we went took him to Huntington. When I spoke with him on the
phone that first week, I believed him because that is what everyone
said I needed to do. They said, support him. Lift him up. Talk it. Speak it. Oh, I did all that and more. In reality, all that talk is just everything I wanted to hear and believe. Nothing more!
What I am hearing now was devastating to listen to. I'm happy someone finally shared with me. It makes sense now. It would have been really nice to hear the story from beginning to end. As it is, however, it's now being played to me from reverse to the beginning and there is no And They Lived Happily After All. The beginning and ending to our son's story feel so much like lies and manipulation right now.
For whose benefit?
I have since taken off the rose colored glasses that painted pretty pictures for me. I think I was slowly taking them off in the past week. I think I wanted him to get better so bad that I forgot to really look at the entire picture. If that were not so I would have noticed it was painted and smeared black.
I think I wanted to see him living his life without addiction and without heroin. I painted the picture of how I wanted others to see him. The real Kyle. The Kyle who isn't living in this hell. I was seeing the picture of the man of I wanted him to be. In reality and in doing so, I couldn't see the clouds that hid the truth.
Today I don't know if he relapsed, or he was hiding his use. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I am at the point where I don't believe a damn thing he tells me. All trust is gone. I tried. For so long I tried because I didn't want others thinking I was some heartless mother.
For my son, I am stepping back away from the picture. I know the real story. I have verified the real story. Everything I have said to him over the past few months when he convinced us he went for treatment and came home a brand new man feels now like it was all a lie. He is using every word against me. Remember all the clean talk you told me to speak to him? Oh isn't that a laugh.
He is now accusing me of causing all this drama in his life. I swear he told me in a text message that if I continue causing all this drama he will not be able to talk to me again?
Really? I cause him drama? Just what the hell drama does he think his addiction to heroin causes us and everyone who even cares about him?
This weekend I am convinced I have an adult son who has a lot of people living inside his head. Right now it is hard to know which one I am talking about when I do talk to him. I even caught myself entering all of his symptoms into Web-MD like some fool. I know that is pretty lame huh? What the hell does Web-MD know about the whole picture, except to say words like heroin induced brain damage and encephalopathy; words I know nothing about because hello, I'm not the doctor.
As I read and as I understand it, damage to the brain occurs with each overdose- which with him twelve years is a long time, and who knows just how many of those he's had over these years. It can also occur due to the many things used today to cut the heroin. I mean can you really trust your local street corner heroin dealer?
I cannot do this anymore. In order to save myself and sanity, I am stepping back away from it. From our son. From the person, we thought we knew but now we feel we really don't know him.
If he really wants to be clean and free from this addiction it will be something he himself chooses. It will be he who finds his way there with no help whatsoever from us. He will do this all on his own and alone this time. He has everything he needs to take those steps.
At this point in his addiction, only two things are going to happen. He will on his own choose to live and find the way which has been given to him, Or he will die from this addiction. I started planning for that many years ago.
Even if he does choose to live and get better, I don't know if I can ever believe a damn thing he tells me anymore. How the hell can I trust him ever again?
I know in the future I'll be more objective and not look through those now shattered rose colored glasses. I know in doing so, I'll be accused of being an ass. That is okay!
Just in case you are reading this, Yes I love my son. Yes, I want him to heal from this addiction, but I also cannot play the pawn anymore in his recovery. I seem to do more harm than good. I understand because for years I was the enabler and the co-dependent he relied on. I am the violin he plays when he wants to manipulate the picture. He played my feelings like a game of chess. I call... checkmate!
I do want you to know that the Kyle you met in the early days in October, November and possibly early December was the clean, not using Kyle. We know he didn't use because he never went anywhere without his girlfriend with him. She drug tested him often. She removed numbers of temptations from his phone, which started magically appearing back in January. That Kyle you first met is the real Kyle that we all love. He just lives with a monster inside of his head. That monster has a name. Its name is an addiction.
If you are going through a similar situation with someone you love might I suggest that just for today you Take off the rose colored glasses you are looking through and breathe!
In case you are wondering, this posting brought to you by this angry addicts mom.
pic found at: corpserun
Web-MD Drug Induced Brain Damage- Encephalopathy
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