Friday, September 9, 2016

Taking The Steps To Heal

Many may not realize but when your life and family has been consumed by addiction we too have to heal. I had truly thought by now I would be able to cross this step- Step Four- off of my list. You know that one. Making a moral inventory of ourselves and our life.
The past month has been one crazy ride on the addiction rollercoaster. Add menopausal to that and you have a toxic cocktail.
I have found peace but I've also had moments that have overwhelmed me. A deep peace I found two months ago on July 10th while taking our son on that long five and a half hour trip to Huntington, WV. A peace that was unfamiliar to me in a very long time.

There I was with our son in the back seat. We could see him and talk to him once again. It had been months that he was lost in his addiction and we had searched for him. If only to tell him, We Love You. There he was and we didn't forget to tell him how much we loved him.

I started thinking about this step- Step Four- on our way back to Martinsburg from Huntington. Our son many miles away from home would be making his way to the first step of recovery. The least I could do was Step Four.

Just when I started making that search and fearless moral inventory deep inside of myself so many things have occurred in the past month that I swear took me back several steps to once again dealing with the insanity of addiction.

Oh we have never forgotten what to call it. We call it by name... heroin.

We have never forgotten the overwhelming power of this drug in admitting that we are powerless over heroin that our lives had become unmanageable trying to control our sons addiction. Trying to save a lost soul.

Watching our son destroy his life with this drug knowing we were powerless over it's hold on him is often too much to bear. Knowing at any minute their life could be over in an instant causes us to often grieve for them although they are very much alive.

In one split moment on July 10th all of that turned around and once again we had the hope of peace. That peace is found knowing that our son is rebuilding and restoring his life. A few weeks later when he rededicated his life back to his Creator. When he was baptized- a Spiritual step in the true meaning of the Newness of Life.

The peace of knowing that today he isn't using.

A serenity once more that I didn't have to jump or be afraid to answer my phone or a knock at the door.

I hope he realizes those many lessons in love were for him. I hope that this time will allow him some deep soul searching and that he will realize that we never stopped loving him.

Little by little I was allowing myself to let go of grudges. That too came back with a punch and I once again slammed the door shut.

Right now many branches of my family tree feel broken because of family. I'm not sure if these branches are broken forever. I know right now they are in need of repair. I did not cause this and I will not be the one to fix it.

I've had to let go of many toxic people around us and our life. For my own peace and serenity I have had to walk away from the hurt that even family has caused us.

Reading between the pages of the past six months things are as clear as day.

I am allowed to be mad and angry. I am allowed to feel selfish and unforgiving of what has happened and I owe no one any explanation of my feelings.

I know that forgiveness is not about accepting or excusing any behavior. It is about letting it go so that their behavior doesn't destroy my heart.

So what exactly is this making a moral inventory stuff? How can I make such a step of cleaning out my soul and my spirit with so much going on around me?

This step will take some work. I have to trim, prune and weed the broken branches of the family tree.

pic from: Pinterest
© 2016 Gossip Girl

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