especially from family.
As the mother of a son who is in recovery the secrets of the addiction start with denial. We at first deny because we really don't know what to call it. Then the day comes that no more can we deny. It's out there in living color and we have to call it by name... heroin addiction.
Even then, denial grips us.We don't want others thinking negative
of our family or of our children and we hold onto just a little of the denial until we can no longer hold it. We have to let it go. Then it turns into fear. Fear of what others think.
As I read through the article. I started realizing a few things. One is thinking that family truly has your back. That is not true in matters with the words heroin and addiction.
We suddenly try to make it our life's goal to make them understand while knowing we cannot.
For years I was in denial of our sons secret. I didn't share the bad things about this addiction. I told family what I thought they needed to know- nothing more- nothing less.
Keeping the harsher realities from them suddenly turned into fear of the shame.
Then for awhile things turned bright again for a few years.
Our son recovered, was clean and living a great life and then his recovery slipped. It happens they say. It's a normal process in recovery so I've been told. Trust me, others aren't so forgiving when you slip, trip and fall- back into this addiction.
In a phone conversation last year a sibling said, "Let's Not Keep Secrets Anymore. Let's talk like sisters. How are we expected to help each other when we keep secrets?"
Just like that an invitation to talk and to sometimes vent about the kid who was using again and harming himself. Allowing myself a little at a time to let my guard down.
What I thought was a invitation to talk or lets be friends has turned into a whirlwind. Or to vent when the addiction was overwhelming me and I became angry with our addict.
Then sometimes trying to figure out drug addiction with the help of another who didn't have a clue set in motion events that are no doubt irreversible.
Honestly, I would rather feel the stings and shame that society places on us than the cruel harsh stings of judgement placed on us by family.
I regret it everyday talking and sharing things with anyone close to me Maybe then I wouldn't have to care if they make us feel ashamed and feel like a failure to the entire family.
Because then, maybe the rejection of family would feel less painful.
It has come down to, these are the people who can visit the grandparents and these people can't.
These are the grandkids who can visit the great grandparents and these grandkids can't.
It has turned into a huge shame fest toward the addict and to us the family which drives us deeper into the shame cycle.
This has turned into making my family unit look bad to the rest because of the illness of addiction.
Honestly, I felt like I was working on Step Four and now I feel as if I've take several steps backwards to at least Step Two and dealing with the insanity.
I now wonder why it feels as if that higher power I had come to believe could help me in many of my times, has turned it's back on me completely.
When I thought I had turned over the insanity of loving a son who is using and abusing heroin and returning some of the sanity back to my life in just one moment what was feeling sane again turned into a spiraling out of control insanity.
The sad part is, why do I even care? Why do I care what my family thinks or says about us?
I'm old enough to know by now it's not what they say, it's what I answer to and they pulled me back in like a marionette puppet.
Why do I even care about being right or wrong with my family?
Why do I even care if family loves us?
Why do I even allow them the power of upsetting me by not forgiving my sons mistake?
Why do I even care about the talk and gossip going on around us?
Why do I think I need their approval or validation over this situation?
Why did it take me until now to realize that this has been a toxic time bomb ready to go off for awhile now?
Why do I even care? Why does this crap even bother me?
We are a family broken by this addiction. Either family loves us or they don't. I can no longer care it they do or do not.
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