I started thinking about Step Four of NarAnon on July 10th. That was the day we took our son to Huntington, WV.
The thoughts about that step didn't really start to sink in until the ride back home. I don't know it started with peace. Peace that I haven't felt in a very long time. It started with the word recovery. For once our son would know the steps to real recovery.
While I know he is dealing with Step One and admitting he is
powerless over this addiction. Admitting his life has been unmanageable with heroin and addiction the least I could do was start digging around in my own heart.
I started then thinking about all of the anger in my heart. All of the grudges and anger and the walls I have built up inside of me.
It was then at that moment I made it my goal to cross that NarAnon Bridge. I knew this step wasn't an easy one. It would leave me dealing with myself.
Oh it's pretty easy looking inside of me at the inventory I need to take. Getting there has been the hardest. For one, once I started really looking I found some deep hatred inside of me among the weeds that have taken over.
The weeds that contain:
Hatred
Anger
Grudges
At times feelings of enrage
Confused
Afraid
Pissed off
And more... These are the feelings of a parent heart dealing with the destruction of heroin on someone we love and care about. I know there are more hidden in my soul.
Some of these feelings have been there for a long time now growing weeds. Other feelings came to light as people started really showing their true colors.
How can I truly tend to the garden of my soul with so much clutter inside? With these weeds overgrown?
A reminder of the tale of the wolves. Which ones will live inside of me?
The ones that I feed.
I know I have been feeding them for way too long now.
I will never know the feeling of true serenity until I deal with the feelings and emotions relating to tending the garden of my soul.
Please be patient. I am under construction.
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