I just recently realized that I am addicted to our addict. I concentrate all my energy and focus all my attention on words like controlling the addict and fixing the addict. Seeking everyday ways to make it all better.
Today... our son isn't using and we celebrate.
Today... he is recovering from addiction and we say thanks.
I am finding it very hard to celebrate little milestones because I am so afraid I will jinx his chances.
Day by day. Not last week or tomorrow. Today! But yet I find it hard. So I say today he isn't using and recovering.
I am still trying to figure out Step Four while he is stumbling to reach the first step- admitting the powerless hold that addiction had on him. Admitting his life is unmanageable with this addiction.
I often call upon my Higher Power. I do have days where I feel that power isn't listening anymore. I call out yet again wondering if that Higher Power can hear me.
I call that Higher Power my Creator, my connection.
I seriously don't think we ever get over it. I think we find ways to work through and these ways get me from one day to the next. Just like the addict who craves the drug,
I am addicted to the addict. The son who is recovering. The son who didn't use today. I've consumed so much of my energy controlling, trying to fix this that now I am afraid to let often let it go even when I know that is and what I have to do.
Others tell me often, Let It Go!!! Knowing he isn't using today allows me to breathe relief. Knowing where he is at this moment allows me to not worry.
I now have to keep an open mind. An open mind about words like spirituality. This has given new meaning to other words. Words like love, feeling a connection, God, my Creator, my Higher Power a being I cannot see, but put faith in to help in these times.
I appreciate everything. The universe, the air I breathe, the water that flows in the streams, the water I drink, the earth and nature. The entire life cycle.
I see beauty in all creation. I notice things I've never noticed before.
The sun and moon to give us day and night. Light in the day and a light to guide us at night.
The sun that heats up the daylight and the clouds which can bring rain and storms.
My choice is personal to me. To believe in anything that can help improve our lives and bring us peace of mind. It is about what gives us serenity and to me is not all about religion.
Sometimes the air of oppression so thick it is hard to breathe. Meditation helps, it calms me whether it is a flute I listen to or the slow beat of a drum from an American Indian drummer beating a dance of celebration.
Some days I choose to listen to a sound machine. Aromatherapy which helps bring balance and to calm where there is chaos around me. All of these bring me peace and serenity. All of these combined bring me balance- if just for today!
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