I don't know what happened. When your children don't live with you any more things can just get out of hand. Heroin addiction was beyond our control.
Here is our story as posted on my Facebook:
Trust me you really do not know the definition of mad and angry at someone you love and gave life to has chosen a very dark path in their life with a needle at the end of the road. The guilt you suffer as a parent thinking you had something to do with that choice is enough to crush your existence.
If I were to tell you that my son/daughter had a disease and could possibly die from the disease there would be comments of prayers, kind words and love spreading around. A support system reaching around the world. Heck, it may even reach the highest magnitude of Facebook and get a, "If this post gets 1,000 likes AT &T will donate $100,000" who knows.
But, what If I were to tell you my son had a heroin addiction- those numbers would split in half. I would have some still offering prayers, kind words, and some love. That is what got me through many a day. The rest would quietly just sneak away.
Be honest how many of you would have stayed if you had known that about my son? How many would still want to talk to me?
Many or Some of you on my Facebook already know that about my son. Some not until now. Those that know chose to stay. Those that didn't know may choose to hit delete after reading. That is OK. Not many knew this because honestly the stigma this gets you is embarrassing and horrible. I know that for a fact. I chose not to talk about it because of the stigma of heroin. The crushing and devastating feelings alone- putting into words cannot describe all of those feelings.
If I were to then say that my son got clean, those that hung in there would help you celebrate those prayers answered. Life goes on for a few years and all is great.
NOW...And trust me when I tell you this...
If I were to tell you that a couple years later that my son had a relapse and was using again you will only hear the doors of your friends and people you thought would support you slam once. That's because they all ran out at the same time.
Let the once support system, those that cared and offered kind things to say and prayers that got you through many a day find out about relapse and watch it dwindle down to just you, your spouse and the Man above. I don't remember yelling "Hey we have the plague" but it sure feels that way.
I will certainly understand those who choose to delete. I will respect those who don't say anything because hey I know what it feels like to be at a loss for words. Honestly, if this wasn't something we never dealt with I too wouldn't know what to say. How could I tell someone "I know what you are going through" if I didn't know? Maybe those who don't talk anymore or answer the phone anymore-maybe they do still pray about it. I don't know.
I wake up, open my eyes each day and thank God for a beautiful day even it's cloudy or when it is raining. That is because I know I can find something beautiful if it is just a bird at one of my bird feeders to say Hey that was a beautiful bird. I get up and on most days Pandora's box of emotions is often released at anything. Even just seeing a picture of our son. I can be on my knees praying and at the same time wondering, "Is God even listening?" There have been days of praying God please find a way to heal him or guide him to seek treatment and in the next sentence of my prayer, I am just begging him to please take him home so that he doesn't have to live like this anymore.
Those that have never dealt with someone they love using heroin. This isn't a kiss, a band-aid and Neosporin on a boo boo. This is something you cannot just fix. The only thing you can do is simply set by watching someone you love crumble to a shell of someone you do not even recognize anymore. Oh on the inside of that person is the person you love- the outside of them is just the shell of what that person used to be or was when they were clean. What this drug does to the mind alone. The person you love is so sick in the head and the body. You watch- you cannot fix it. Heroin makes a person do stupid things and make stupid decisions that they wouldn't make had they not been using. Hey, they will even tell you they don't love you and disown you. That is the demon of heroin, not the person.
Most of the time you the person that loves them the most don't have anything else to give to enable. That is when the real demons of heroin raise its ugly head. The grip of Heroin on a person is something that you cannot fix. As a parent, you set back watching and there is nothing you can do about it.
I do ask if you choose to not delete me and still want to talk to me please Facebook PM or text me. Lately when my phone rings I do not want to even look at it thinking it's the call that I have been dreading. These days I am often not even home. I get out of the house mainly because of someone knocking at the door and my immediate response is that is the visit I have been dreading. Those that don't delete please just keep us in your prayers. Thank You.
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