Sunday, October 2, 2016

Rising Up From The Ashes As I Cross Step Four

For three months now I have been trying to make a moral inventory of myself and my life in order to work on Step Four of the NarAnon program. This step hasn't been an easy one. It has forced me to look deep inside of myself and my heart.

I have concentrated so much energy into our addict and trying to control the situation that when I had to turn the focus on myself it was hard. Then admitting- oh no- not me. This has been the hardest.

When we found out that our son relapsed it released all of the old
baggage that I hid inside of myself from times past- the anger, the grudges, the bitterness- and most definitely these are the things that will eat at your very soul. Allowing the insanity of loving an addict to control so much of my life, take away rest and sleep- to allow the insanity of worry and stress in my life. It is hard explaining to others who haven't made it here yet that we who love the addict are addicted to our addicts. You see we feed off of their addiction as much as they crave the drug- with the lies, the covering up for them, and the enabling them.

Because I was quick to defend I often took offense to the actions of many close to me- family and friends. I no longer cared about who stood with me and who chose to leave. In a sense I still don't care. But, I've let the weeds grow up around me almost choking the life out of me.

Fear, resentments, grudges and anger do not leave room for any spiritual growth.

Over the past few weeks I've looked back at the other steps that I've crossed. I realize that in admitting to be powerless over heroin that my life was totally out of control and unmanageable. As I spent all of my time and my energy on my son and his addiction along the way I think I lost a piece of myself somewhere. By allowing my Higher Power to restore sanity back into my life I now need to focus on changing myself.

My son is still in recovery, he is not using today I feel so blessed to be able to say that. I feel blessed by the people who have stood by our family, praying for us and helping us. Guiding us a long the way.

I spent so much time these past months trying to convince others- especially my family- that my son wasn't a junkie he was a human. He was our son and his mind was sick with addiction that I just don't care anymore. It was very hard when it came down to distancing myself from some people, especially family members.

I know them. They will constantly remind of the years of our sons addictions and will focus only on those transgressions. I will not spend the next years convincing them that people do recover, that people do get better and that an addict can go on and live a productive life.

Let me tell you,

YOU did not pay for my Narcan/Naloxone.
YOU did not pay for our sons treatment in the recovery house.

That is all you need to know! Now, go to sleep and rest easy! (That was meant to be sarcastic)

I will not live in the closet of the stigma of this addiction any longer. I will say what needs to be said. I will stop ignoring, hiding, covering up and denying the anger, resentments and the grudges so that I can make room for improvement in my life.

I am fearless in discovering what is working in my life. 

I easily closed the door on many. Now I found there is some room for some growth.

I can honestly say that since July 10, 2016 when my son chose to live and we drove him five and a half hours away to start rebuilding his life and the foundation of his soul- I found it easier to breath again. In these past few months the burdens have lifted and it no longer feels I am carrying around a heavy heart.

I am happy with the promise of Blessed are they who are pure in heart. Today, I break those chains of anger, hatred, resentments if only so that my heart will feel less weakened. Today I let go of the insanity of this addiction, the control over my life and I am allowing myself more trust in my Higher Power over this situation- just let go and let God.

Over the next few days, weeks, months and years I am certain that I will be reminded of this step. I am only human. I will slip up but am comforted in the reminder that my Higher Power has the power to help me gain control.

I am comforted in the promises of my Higher Power and for once in a long time I know peace once again. Yesterday I was once more reminded of the Legend of the Phoenix. The Phoenix doesn't die. It simply rises up out of the ashes of it's past life- those grudges, that anger, that hatred, blaming others and the resentments- leaving that old life behind symbolizing renewal and new life.

That is how I am going to signify crossing Step Four in my life as the Phoenix rising through the ashes to start another chapter in life.

Dear God,
It is I who has made my life such a mess. I alone have done it, but I cannot undo it. My mistakes are mine. I will begin a searching fearless moral inventory of my life. I will write down my wrongs, but I will also include that which is good. I pray for the strength and the guidance needed to complete this task.

"Happy are those who are pure in heart." Matthew 5:8

© 2016 Gossip Girl

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